.the fyr place.

I've been thinking a lot today.

My husband accuses me of "thinking too much" on occasion. He's not wrong. I do an incredible amount of thinking ... to a fault sometimes. Overthinking is my middle name.

That said, as a consequence, I tend to come up with opinions on stuff that is often more nuanced and complicated than your usual hot take. This is why places like Twitter or TikTok or Instagram don't work for me. Memes, photo sharing, random short video skits that are funny ... those thing entertain me for a few minutes but ultimately, I want to spend more time into getting deeper into the issues. The downside is that I often get accused of spoiling the joke/fun. Yes ... I am one of those wet blankets.

The upside is that I figure a lot of stuff out about me and about people and the world at large. Like today when I was hearing about how one of our nieces is acting, and all her issues, it occurred to me that she wasn't necessarily ill but acting out because her parents split in her formative years and it's my feeling that the split was pretty nasty based on just a few indicators that some might call my "gut feeling" ... but I wouldn't be surprised to learn that my feelings on this were right... and I almost wish we could get them confirmed because that little girl is going to need a lot of love and acceptance in her life.

Coincidentally, this is why I thought social work was my calling because I can see into situations and contexts and make assumptions based on little clues that at the very least give me pause where others might be frustrated and angry and invokes these feelings of yearning to protect and help. Even though I say so myself, I feel like I would be really good at it too. Oh well ...

Anyway, to the point of this post ... my parents ... are not in a good place. They've both been steadily declining since Mom's stroke. I struggle with two competing emotions: resentment at them - mom because she should have taken her damn meds, and dad because it took him almost 24 hours to get her to the ER; and guilt because I am not in a position to help them the way I feel they deserve to be treated and realising that because I tend to internalise much of this, it looks to people like I am non-attentive and/or absent. Which is giving a lot of people the wrong ideas about me and them. Thankfully, the lawyer and the family friend who are helping me out understand ... or at least do a very good job at pretending to understand. That's a relief.

Anyway ... all that to say that I have been preoccupied with this for months ... maybe years now. It's part of why I am not "getting better" like people say I should "just do". And, as mentioned above, since I internalise a LOT of this, it looks like I am disconnected and unconcerned. And makes me want to write a screed to explain my behaviour and send it to the Jamaica Gleaner as a "Letter to the editor".


I sure know how to break things ...

BTW: it's also why I am spending more time with tasks that engage my energy fully, leaving no time and energy for anything else. It's a wonder I get dressed and shower every day. Really ...

Side note: I am working on a solution to easily chat with me about a post via Telegram - hate it or love it, it's the easiest way I have found to add "comments" without including some kind of third party tool. Pelican comes with Disqus support built in but I am loathe to add Disqus to this site. I refuse. The other option that I see a few people recommending requires way too much configuration ... at least more than I am willing to put in right now... maybe later.