:the fyr place:

oh my ... it suddenly hit me

I am sitting here, focus on point thanks to my little happy gummy, doing too much at once. currently i am reinstalling my chromebook and setting it up with less configured-for-me stuff and learning how to configure stuff for myself. i'd been trying out astrovim and spacevim as well as a few other out-of-git-repo-cofigured flavours of neovim. i'd also been fooling around with conky and i3wm on the chromebook too. on top of all that, i am putting out real effort to finish learning how to do a basic CRUD(Create, Read, Update, Delete) app using python and flask. that does not include the waaaaaay too many hours i am spending in destiny2. the destiny2 fever is so bad that i am even neglecting my remnant from the ashes sessions.

anyway, as i am sitting here starting at my screen and seeing a link i'd saved to my wallabag instance about de santis and his ever-widening cult of ignorance, it hit me like a ball to the face... i don't have to tune in. i tell myself i am unplugged but i am not really unplugged. why? because one cannot live without knowing what's going on in the world around you - no? well .... obviously that effort to stay informed is making me more and more miserable as the days go by. it's making the effort to deal with my anxiety harder than it should be.

there has been this disconnect in my mind for a while - i am supposed to be strong. i've been through so much. how in the hell am i unable to get a better handle on this anxiety? i've lived with varying levels of anxiety my whole life but somehow now, because there are stupid people out there, i am allowing it affect my ability to function? why? this seems silly now that i look at it from this perspective. and sure ... i know it sounds a LOT easier than it likely will turn out to be .. but I have to try. i have to try to push all that nonsense into the background and try to ignore it even while i am aware of it. i mean, other people do it ... why - all of a sudden - can't i?

how am i going to this? i dunno ... first i am going to read the headlines i want to and then i am going to delete the articles. no more saving articles "for posterity". no more "oh hey - did you hear this?" to fam and friends and folks. no more "i wonder what nonsense or nothing government is up today?" nope. no more. I still need to know but i can peruse the headlines, maybe even read a few details, and dismiss it from my mind. i did it with this latest police shooting and it's worked because i've had destiny2 and python and flask to keep me occupied. there is no damn reason on earth why i can't use that same process to push the other bullshit away and our of mind. it sounds callous ... at least to the ears of someone who has enough empathy to fill the whole world. but it isn't callous at all. i have got to learn to take care of myself becfore i even think of expending spoons caring for other people. spoons are a limited resource. and i desperately need to learn how to better protect my stockpile - sich as it is.